Day 1 postpartum

 I decided to write because I feel sad, overwhelmed and discouraged. I got the go ahead on Thursday, yesterday that I could start exercising again. The go ahead to get back to “normal” the go ahead to stop grazing all the time and take back your body. Right? Is that what the go ahead is? To get skinny again? To fit in your size 4 jeans again? It is in my mind. 

I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with my body, at least since I could remember. It’s always been a constant struggle. A struggle I absolutely hate. 

9 months of carrying a baby have come to an end. When I’m pregnant I don’t.care.at.all anymore. I get huge. Really big. This last pregnancy was the worst. I stopped looking at 160. How could a size 4, 125 person get to 160 at 25 weeks? How does that happen? It’s really hard. It’s discouraging and so I keep eating what I want and causally walk on the treadmill. Here I am beating myself up again. It’s hard not too, I’ve been doing it for a long time. I don’t love myself as much when I’m this weight. Which is sad. I want to change this time around. I want to focus on the positive, because negativity ain’t gonna get me anywhere. So here’s to a place to write, because man it’s hard. 

Today was my first day exercising again after the baby. I actually put on work our clothes, a tank top (you can see everything in a tight tank top) and did a 20 minute workout dance video. I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted. I’m huge. Everything is bigger, butt, arms, neck, face, boobs, all of it. It’s painful to see. But I also saw a strong woman, who’s been through a whole lot of pain and heartache the past few years. That body carried me through a divorce, it carried me through three pregnancies, it carried me through nursing school. It has shown up for me. It always has. And here I am today showing up for it and giving it the respect and love it deserved. Yes I’m going to get skinny again. Mostly because I like the way it makes me feel and look, but also this time around because I owe it to myself. I don’t want to hurt when I’m old, I want to always be able to catch up to my kids, bike ride next to my Husband and love to see all my grandchildren. 

I showed up today. Instead of sitting on the couch and eating junk food, I worked out for the first time since having Will. It was hard, but I did it. 

I’m grateful for my body at ALL sizes.